Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Uh oh…
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.