The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
You Might Also Like
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
pls suprot
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“you recording!?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”