me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.