Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.