angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Wait, let me explain..”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm