*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You Might Also Like
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.