my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems