4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Look at this
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”