right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
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Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?