2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”