Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter