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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
accurate
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”