*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.