According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!