Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.