I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
May have had one breakfast too many
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
This is my emotional support knife.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no