My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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*jazz hands*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.