I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Damn he played himself
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*