It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
😎 🍻
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Bobby pin
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no