me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.