If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?