Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
choose your fighter
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes