i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
#SaturdayBears
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood