Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks