God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.