An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?