them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
More like Kate Missington.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE