Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.