It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
🤣😂
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: