I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My favorite farside!!
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.