👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
😎 🍻
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty