museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator