#milo
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.