Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
LOL!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.