I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
How about I get 100% off by already being there