Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.