My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
You Might Also Like
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house