Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Who chose this font
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My safe word is Worcestershire
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company