Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m going to need a moment here.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening