ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES