Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.