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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’