[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.