This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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kevin is now a local weatherman
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
WHO DID THIS?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display