I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.