My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You Might Also Like
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
No regrets in 2018
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”