[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Home #decor warning.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa