I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
wishing you and yours all the best
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.