Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
When the stylist spins you back around
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome