My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.